"I reserve the right not to tell you", she typed to him as an instant message. She loved to type beautiful and pompous sentences. But she only loved it when she was the only one reading it. She erased it all and briefly typed: "it's a secret." Evidently, he wanted to know what it was and all that. Evidently, she proceeded with the conversation without telling him.
Evidently, but only for her, her secret had everything to do with him. Fortunately, he didn't notice. Unfortunately, she couldn't muster the courage to tell him. Maybe what she needed wasn't exactly courage, but instead a tiny amount of certainty that he felt about her the same way she felt about him. She wanted to one day be able to say everything. She wanted to explain how she felt better when she talked to him, how he always made her believe that he would care for her when she needed him to. She hated that. She hated his "friendly" manners. She wanted him to forget about being her friend, even if just for one day, and asked her out. Took her to the movies. Went to her house. Or that he remembered a party and said he wanted to take her with him. She wanted him to sit with her in one of their school trips, and spent the entire day with her. She wanted his hug, only for her. She wanted his kiss, only for her.
She wanted to be his. She wanted him to be hers.
She wanted it so bad, that every night she would imagine herself sleeping tucked inside his arms. All she had was her own imagination to comfort herself with. Until the day she could gather the courage and that tiny amount of certainty of a reciprocated feeling, and finally tell him. The last thing she wanted, was to be able to say it with all the beautiful and pompous words she had imagined. "Since it's him, he'll like it," she thought. Trying to change the subject, she asked him what he planned to do that day.
On the other side of the instant messages, he typed: "nothing really, but I did think about going to your house without warning and spending the entire day with you. I'd tell you that you're the most gorgeous girl I've ever seen, and that all I want is to kiss you, hug you, cuddle you until you sleep inside my arms." He loved typing long and detailed sentences. But he only loved that when he was the only reading it. He erased it all and typed: "I don't know yet."
Originally written back in 2010 by wee 16-year-old my that didn't know anything about life and ended up circling around the same cliché ideas of what it means to be romantic. I don't think this is good, at all. I'm confident I've done better, but it's one of those things that we treasure for life, you know? And I do find it kinda cute, to this day.
It seems I went from writing with a lot of short sentences and multiple period points to writing very long sentences with no pauses or commas. Dunno which is best, like em both. Reflections.
